direction

"What is my direction?" Conversations with several other friends, including my fiancee, confirms my suspicion that I'm not the only one of this age group who is uttering those 3 words...

When I was little, I dreamed of all my ideal "what I want to be when I 'grow up' " jobs. They changed weekly and ranged from ice cream man to Radio City Rockette. Lots in between, too: doctor, teacher, singer, etc.

But now that I actually AM 'grown up', I have no freaking clue what I want to do. I mean REALLY want to do. I still want to do the whole acting thing, and I'd LOVE to be able to get paid doing what I love doing, but it's such a fickle industry that I'm too chicken shit to give up my salary job and take a shot at it. I guess I just don't have that big of cajones. When an old friend of mine packed up everything he owned and moved to LA, he invited me to come along. I couldn't do it. Mostly because the love of my life is here, but also because I can't have unstability like that. He totally took a gamble and hoped the cards played in his favor. (Christy basically did the same thing when she moved out to Texas and, more recently, Arizona.) I have the UTMOST respect for both of them, for anyone who can (and does) do that. But he and I would go round and round; he claimed that I wasn't a "free spirit" since I wouldn't just pick up and move. I'd just rather have insurance, a roof over my head, and the stability of a constant income. I figure when I'm old and retired and rich, I can be a total free spirit and dance naked on the beach whenever I want, or some bullshit like that.

When I was talking to Christy last night, she and I actually talked about all of this. It's like you go through school with goals in mind of what you WANT to do, but more often than not, you don't end up doing that. (Hell look at me with a theatre degree employed as a legal secretary.) Christy pointed out that many of her friends who got their teaching degrees are so much happier than she is; however, then she pointed out that they actually WANTED to do that. We both touched on going back to school, but then round-robined to, "What the hell would I go back to school FOR?" I'd love to go into psychology, but would I want to be a teacher? Know what I mean? If I actually KNEW just what I wanted to do, and what I would be happiest doing, I'd have no problem going back to school. But I can't waste more money and time on yet ANOTHER useless degree. Christy also said to make a list--what you're good at, strong points, and what kind of stuff you like doing. Like, I love kids, am a fast typer, and I enjoy interacting with people. *poof* Now find me THAT job. Sure.

I do give myself credit, though, bc there are points in my life where I have made and continue to make forward progress. For one, I'm engaged. Ask anyone who really knew me in highschool, and they'll tell you. I was THE FIRST one to declare, "I'm NEVER getting married." Now look at me. 6 months away. I never thought I'd have the job that I have now (even though it's not what I WANT to be doing); I thought I'd be a Long John Silver's employee forever. Dustin made me realize that some people would really like to have my job, and I am lucky to have it. He also brought up that being a secretary may not be my "forte". I agree with him. He said he can't see me doing this for the rest of my life, and to be perfectly honest, I can't see it either. But what else? I have no clue..

Becker summed it up perfectly on his blog: "What is it that holds us in place? Particularly after organized education ends. I've seen, and have been (or am) an example of, some people who seem to just stop their forward progess once they're done with school. Essentially the same job, income, routine, education and life. I guess it is just much easier at school. You go in everyday do your work and each year your are advanced to the next level. No starting fresh no demotions. You do not have to start all over at grade 1 if you move to a new school etc. Not so in the "real world". It seems as though much more active effort, motivation, and drive is needed to advance in life.Oh well I'm getting the hang of it. Maybe by age 30 I'll have figured this thing out. Until then, "Would you like fries with that?"

Couldn't have said it better myself, Becker.

Those of you who are settled in jobs and happy, wish us 20-somethings luck!