please allow me to be long-winded...

I didn't enter into the institution (asylum?) of marriage thinking that it would be a breeze or even easy. I just never thought it would be so damn hard. Everyone says the first year is the hardest; I'm realizing they are right.

Things at home have been stressful lately. I'm gone 4 nights a week--two of those nights the husband plays poker or darts, which is fine--we still don't like to agree on who does what chore-wise, I'm not happy in my current job and have been having pretty bad self-esteem issues lately, he's growing discontent in his job, money is a big part of it, plus other daily problems that add to it all. Part of it is my fault--I agreed to do another show (2 months after my last one closed) in which I have a 30 minute drive to and from rehearsal...4 nights a week. Doing our own thing once in a while is good, sure. That way we aren't tempted to kill each other. But 4 nights a week apart is a lot for a newlywed couple. As I've said time and time again, I LOVE doing theatre...I would be dead without it. It's like a drug to me...But so is my husband and my marriage.

*For anyone thinking, "oh no", please let me clarify by saying WE ARE NOT IN TROUBLE. I just have some thoughts that I wanted to share*

I think what we're both realizing is something we've known all along--we need each other. That is such an amazing concept / feeling that sometimes I have trouble grasping it. Granted, we don't need each other like a newborn child needs its parents; we don't need or depend on each other for food or diaper changes--at least not yet. But we need and depend on each other for support, comfort, honesty, and love. And I know we both take that for granted sometimes. It's hard not to; human beings just are like that.

Speaking of children, I love the thought of becoming pregnant, having babies, and watching our children grow up. Weird as it may seem, I also like thinking about the spats I'm sure we're going to have when it comes to deciding the names of our children. If we could afford it, and we had a house, I would have a child right now. No joke.

We argue--it's one thing Dustin and I have always done quite well. Not that that's something to be proud of, but at least we agree when to disagree, and we're not shy about letting the other know. We're both very straightforward people, we let each other know when our buttons are being pushed, we say what we need to say when it needs to be said, and (we're not very good at this part) we keep quiet when we should / need to.

We have hurt each other's feelings, we have said things we can't take back. We have cried together, and we have been so pissed off that it seemed the easiest thing to do would be to give up on each other and us. (And, at times early in the relationship, we did just that.)

BUT, we have also laughed together, and been so in love that it seemed our hearts would burst. We have worshiped the ground each other walk on, and we have begun spinning dreams, wishes, and hopes for our future. TOGETHER.

We have grown, and we have both matured. Sometimes it may not seem that way, but there are times I look at him and can't help but think how much he has grown up and changed for the better over the course of 5 years. We have helped each other grow, and we have helped mold each other into the people that we are today. He may not be the best at dealing with me when I cry, but he is always there picking me up when I need it, and somehow sensing just when I need a hug.

Marriage is such a...neat...thing. I don't even know how to say / describe it. It is hard, yea, but there have been so many great memories made and times shared--in just a 5 month span--that I look forward to the rest of my life with the eagerness of a child. I can't wait to make more memories and share more fun times, inside jokes. THIS is what marriage is about.

The feelings of knowing you always have a Friday night date, a support system, someone to go to sleep with every night and wake up with each morning, and a BEST FRIEND RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE are completely inexplicable.

I am proud to be his wife, and I am proud to have Dustin as my husband; something I don't let him know as often as I should. Every time I say my married name, or I sign it to a document, I can't help but grin. I am part of something so amazing and wonderful that I can't even begin to imagine my life without him or us. Feelings I never thought possible blossom within me and threaten to consume me at times. I feel incredibly lucky and blessed that we found each other. I wouldn't trade this asylum for anything. He hates when I blog about us--airing too much of our personal lives, etc.--but I want him (and everyone else) to know how much I love and APPRECIATE him. Always have and always will.

(And now you can all make fun of me and call me a sap. :P But thanks for listening, just the same.)