a first

No beating around the bush. I was let go from my job yesterday. The boss explained and reassured that it was nothing I had done wrong, nor was he "firing" me "to replace" me. However, I can't help but think I was part of the reason he let me go.

I've always considered myself a hard worker, and I've prided myself on the fact that I'm a quick learner, able to multi-task, yet also able to BS at the same time. But I can't help but feel like maybe this time I did too much BS-ing. I was a bit of a slacker, for lack of a better term. Not all the time, but I did enjoy reading the news' website, checking my email quite frequently, and surfing a few other sites--mostly blog reading. I figured that maybe if I did those things in moderation, yet still managed to get a lot of work done, it would be overlooked. Apparently, I was wrong.

I have been busier than hell the last several weeks. I've had a large stack of mail at the end of every day, and I never felt like I was falling too far behind on my work. Granted, there was stuff that I put off doing, but they did always end up getting done. I'd been better about slowing down, and double checking my work. I thought I was doing a better job, and accomplishing things, and I guess that's what hurts me the most about losing my job. There I was, thinking I was doing well, and I turn around and get let go. I don't understand it. But, like I told the 2 secretaries who were still there with me yesterday afternoon when it happened: "It's not my decision."

A friend of mine made the comment, "You never know. You may turn around in a month and say, 'That's the best damn thing that could have happened to me.'" And while that is true, it just may happen that way, it's hard for me to put it in that kind of perspective right now, while it's still fresh in my mind. It hasn't even really sunk in yet. I think it really will Monday morning when I wake up and realize, "I have nowhere to be today." I'm sure it'll be a weird day for me, probably complete with some tears, but it's hard for me to feel too sorry for myself. Especially since I do feel that part of it IS my fault, regardless of what the boss told me.
I also have too much pride, I suppose, to take it lightly. I tried thinking of my next plan of attack on the way out to the garage yesterday, but I couldn't really come up with one. It's still too new and odd to me to be able to really sit down and say, "This is what I'm doing next." I just kind of want to take the weekend to chill out, and maybe explore different options. This may be my chance to find my "dream job", but I know that it's not just going to reach out and slap me in the face.

Two options, as I see it right now, are as follows: 1) go to Long John Silver's Monday morning and ask if they'll hire me back ASAP, 2) get online and see if I am eligible to collect unemployment. Long John's may not be THE best option, but at least it would be a steady paycheck. And I'd be around people. Not just 8 other people for 8 hours, but many different people in and out all day with whom I could interact. Right now it's basically just about the steady pay. Because to be honest, I would feel like I'm not contributing if I were to take several days to sit back, relax, and reflect. That's just how I am.

I've never been let go from a job, and it's kinda weird to say I have been. Plus, (and this is going to sound really shitty of me) I've never been able to even imagine myself to collect unemployment. I guess I always saw collecting unemployment as a lazy way out, for people who were too lazy to get a job. And that all changed when Dustin had to collect it a few times. And now, it's really changing my former opinion. I'm ashamed that I ever had that opinion, to be honest. But, let this be a humbling, learning experience for me. Let's just hope I come out of it on top. And quick.