I told myself I wasn't going to cry...

...and then I did.

A very dear friend stopped by today. It will be the last time I see him for who knows how long. He leaves for LA in two days.

J and I have been through a lot together. In short, over the six years we've known each other, this has been our story:
We met and became friends while working together on Meramec's production of "Godspell", then proceeded to take the friendship to the next level (rather quickly, if I remember correctly) and evolve into a pretty serious romantic relationship. We then tore each other's hearts out with a nasty split (even though I was the one, in all honesty, who did most of the tearing) and went into relationships with different people. I got married, he got married and moved to LA, and all ties were cut. We quit speaking for the longest time. Then, of all places, I ran into him at a bookstore, and we slowly started trying to catch up and put the pieces of a broken friendship back together. We, along with our significant others eventually got together (my wonderful husband, and his fabulous new girlfriend after his divorce), and the 4 of us clicked immediately. My husband liked my ex boyfriend and the new girlfriend, the new girlfriend liked the ex girlfriend and her husband. I had never, EVER had doubts about leaving J and marrying Dustin. I never, EVER questioned myself for making that decision. I always knew it was the right one to make. But at that moment, the thought really solidified in my mind: "Things are as they should be. THIS is how it was meant to be, for each of us." From there, J and I managed to forge a stronger, more meaningful friendship than we had ever had.

If anyone can make it in LA, let me tell you, it's J. He's got the talent, the ego, and the drive. I honestly wasn't sure that he would give it another go, after the first time. But circumstances are different now.

I told him that I'm scared of losing another friend. I don't want to, nor do I think I could handle it at this particular stage in my life. Over the last year and a half, I've been on a subconscious trip of self-discovery. I know what is most important to me. I know, for me, what matters most in life. And I know it happens, that friends grow up and consequently, they grow apart. I understand that. I accept it. I'd be naive not to. But I'm at the point in my life where I don't have the time or the energy for the bullshit and games. I know who I can count on; I know who is REALLY there for & with me, and I'll fight my damndest to hang onto those friendships with all of my being. This is one of them. After all the hurt and bullshit we've put each other through, and been through together, we have worked hard to put things back together and become as close as we have. It would break my heart to have all of that dissolve. (And let me just point out here that I am DAMN LUCKY and INCREDIBLY BLESSED to have a husband who understands, appreciates, and loves that aspect of my personality and self.)

Each and every one of my friends brings something to the table. Each and every one teaches me a lot - about relationships, self, love, and life. This one has been, is, and will continue to be, no different.

So. J. I wish you the best of luck, and wish the world for you. I'm going to miss you terribly, but I have a feeling (and I really hope and pray) that THIS is the start of something bigger and better. Something that you have always wanted, craved, and desired. Shoot for the moon, J. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. I know you'll kick ass out there.