Growth

I've been writing about certain things I've been feeling, learning, and trying to change for quite some time now. And it seems, especially after funerals, I tend to look inward and examine my own personality and life even more.

My Uncle Billy and I were talking after the funeral service yesterday, and he made the comment to me, "It doesn't get any easier; it only gets harder as you get older. You tend to face your own mortality." I responded to him, that at 27, I seem to be doing that alredy.

I personalize funerals incredibly. Somehow, I have a way of putting myself into other people's shoes. I am like my father, in that I don't deal well with death. No one does, I know, but I could hear about a complete stranger's funeral on TV and end up bawling on the couch. I remember all the funerals I've been to, and all the ones I haven't. Uncle Walt was extended family, but I put myself into Cathy, Janie, and Vicki's shoes: one of these days, I will be with my father when he takes his final breath. One day, I will be handling his funeral arrangements. And one day, I too, will be without parents. That's a hard thought to swallow, and it makes me tear up just typing about it.

I have so many wonderful people to look up to - both in immediate and extended family. I count myself incredibly lucky to have that. For example, my grandmother. That woman will be going until the good Lord tells her it's time to STOP going. At 80-something years old, I sometimes think she has more energy than I do at 27. Not only that, she is the matriarch. The peacekeeper of the family. The shoulder, the warm comforting hug, and the listening ear. People go to her with problems. People know they can count on her to tell them, in her own unassuming way, "You're screwing up. Knock it off." I pride myself on the fact that I too possess some of those same qualities. (At least I believe I do.)

I don't want a lot of material things. I have a lot of "stuff", but lately I've been weeding through it and eliminating what I really don't NEED. Yea, I'm not going to lie; there are certainly things I DO want. I want a house. And I want a baby. But I know that Dustin & I aren't in a position financially for those things right now. And you know what? I AM ok with that. I struggle with it sometimes, because I believe they are things we deserve. However, I know that we will appreciate them even more when we ARE able to have them, because we will know that we have worked incredibly hard to earn them. Right now we're struggling and frustrated over things that are beyond our control. But, as my cousin Amanda has said, "We may be broke, but we're still happy." And that is all we NEED.

I try to be a simple, good person. I find beauty and enjoyment in the world around me - flowers, clouds, a sunset. I try to be there for friends and family, to be a listening ear, kind word & advice, and a shoulder to cry on. I try to be a peacekeeper, stay away from drama, and remain neutral when I do find myself in dramatic situations.

This kind of attitude isn't always easy, I will admit. There are things that anger me, and little things sometimes set me off. I am guilty of over reacting when I shouldn't. I wear my heart on my sleeve and tend to take things too personally. I hide my emotions as much as I can, but only because I'd rather worry about OTHER people's emotions and well being before my own. Does this make me a bad person? I certainly don't think so. I think it makes me the kind of person I WANT to be, the kind of person that makes people happy to call me their friend, the kind of person that will make my family proud.

A good friend once said to me, "Life is all about change. Everything in life should change on a constant basis or else it will get stagnant. Even if one person changes something, that will affect others and thereby change things. It's a good thing. And not an ending. Just a new begining. A new chapter." Good words to remember and grow by.