direction

"What is my direction?" Conversations with several other friends, including my fiancee, confirms my suspicion that I'm not the only one of this age group who is uttering those 3 words...

When I was little, I dreamed of all my ideal "what I want to be when I 'grow up' " jobs. They changed weekly and ranged from ice cream man to Radio City Rockette. Lots in between, too: doctor, teacher, singer, etc.

But now that I actually AM 'grown up', I have no freaking clue what I want to do. I mean REALLY want to do. I still want to do the whole acting thing, and I'd LOVE to be able to get paid doing what I love doing, but it's such a fickle industry that I'm too chicken shit to give up my salary job and take a shot at it. I guess I just don't have that big of cajones. When an old friend of mine packed up everything he owned and moved to LA, he invited me to come along. I couldn't do it. Mostly because the love of my life is here, but also because I can't have unstability like that. He totally took a gamble and hoped the cards played in his favor. (Christy basically did the same thing when she moved out to Texas and, more recently, Arizona.) I have the UTMOST respect for both of them, for anyone who can (and does) do that. But he and I would go round and round; he claimed that I wasn't a "free spirit" since I wouldn't just pick up and move. I'd just rather have insurance, a roof over my head, and the stability of a constant income. I figure when I'm old and retired and rich, I can be a total free spirit and dance naked on the beach whenever I want, or some bullshit like that.

When I was talking to Christy last night, she and I actually talked about all of this. It's like you go through school with goals in mind of what you WANT to do, but more often than not, you don't end up doing that. (Hell look at me with a theatre degree employed as a legal secretary.) Christy pointed out that many of her friends who got their teaching degrees are so much happier than she is; however, then she pointed out that they actually WANTED to do that. We both touched on going back to school, but then round-robined to, "What the hell would I go back to school FOR?" I'd love to go into psychology, but would I want to be a teacher? Know what I mean? If I actually KNEW just what I wanted to do, and what I would be happiest doing, I'd have no problem going back to school. But I can't waste more money and time on yet ANOTHER useless degree. Christy also said to make a list--what you're good at, strong points, and what kind of stuff you like doing. Like, I love kids, am a fast typer, and I enjoy interacting with people. *poof* Now find me THAT job. Sure.

I do give myself credit, though, bc there are points in my life where I have made and continue to make forward progress. For one, I'm engaged. Ask anyone who really knew me in highschool, and they'll tell you. I was THE FIRST one to declare, "I'm NEVER getting married." Now look at me. 6 months away. I never thought I'd have the job that I have now (even though it's not what I WANT to be doing); I thought I'd be a Long John Silver's employee forever. Dustin made me realize that some people would really like to have my job, and I am lucky to have it. He also brought up that being a secretary may not be my "forte". I agree with him. He said he can't see me doing this for the rest of my life, and to be perfectly honest, I can't see it either. But what else? I have no clue..

Becker summed it up perfectly on his blog: "What is it that holds us in place? Particularly after organized education ends. I've seen, and have been (or am) an example of, some people who seem to just stop their forward progess once they're done with school. Essentially the same job, income, routine, education and life. I guess it is just much easier at school. You go in everyday do your work and each year your are advanced to the next level. No starting fresh no demotions. You do not have to start all over at grade 1 if you move to a new school etc. Not so in the "real world". It seems as though much more active effort, motivation, and drive is needed to advance in life.Oh well I'm getting the hang of it. Maybe by age 30 I'll have figured this thing out. Until then, "Would you like fries with that?"

Couldn't have said it better myself, Becker.

Those of you who are settled in jobs and happy, wish us 20-somethings luck!

monday

Found out at work that the rumors--and what we all thought of as a joke--are true. Every year we have 2 Christmas parties--one in the office where we each bring a dish and exchange gifts w/ our pre-determined secret Santas, and another where Boss takes us all out for lunch and 'fun'. (Two years ago it was Dave & Buster's; last year it was St. Louis Mills for lunch, mini golf, and mucho alcohol.) Well THIS year, he has decided to take the entire office (all 9 of us) to Las Vegas for the weekend. Yes, that's right, I said LAS VEGAS. I'm not quite sure how to react. Got to talk to Christy tonight for 45 minutes--we're both in the same position, at least job & money wise. It was great talking to her; I miss that girl so much. She's supposed to come home at some point over XMas Break, but she's just not sure when yet. Plus, it depends on her financial situation at the time, and how much commission she earns at her job. Which is totally understandable. Told her about Vegas, and she's only 6 hours away; I suggested her and my hubby split a hotel room so we can all hang out together while I'm down there w/ the office. She seemed really into it and is going to start checking into it, comparing prices, etc. While she can't commit to anything right now (due to financial restrictions), she seems like she's into it. Which is very, very cool. The two (well, 3 counting Dustin) of us unleashed on Vegas? Viva Las Vegas!

CARDS WIN IT! CARDS WIN IT!

just some snippets from KSDK.com this morning:

CARDS GOING TO WORLD SERIES!
"The best team in baseball now gets a chance to prove it in the World Series. Albert Pujols hit a tying double, Scott Rolen followed with a home run and the St. Louis Cardinals suddenly erupted against Roger Clemens, startling the Houston Astros 5-2 Thursday night to take Game 7 of the NL championship series..."

PUJOLS SNATCHES MVP AWARD FOR NLCS
"Runnerup in National League Most Valuable Player voting the last two seasons, Pujols was an obvious choice as MVP of the NL championship series after the St. Louis Cardinals' clinching 5-2 Game 7 victory Thursday night over the Houston Astros..."

CARDINALS FANS ERUPT AS REDBIRDS HEAD TO WORLD SERIES
"More than 52,000 red-clad fans shook Busch Stadium to its concrete core Thursday. Then the red sea parted and partied, turning downtown St. Louis into a horn-blaring celebration as the Cardinals earned their first World Series berth since 1987, with a 5-2 victory over Roger Clemens and the Houston Astros..."

yanks, bo-sox, cards, and astros

"Two down, two to go. The Red Sox have a long road ahead of them ... and a long road behind them. The day after the Sox and Yanks played the longest nine-inning game in postseason history (5 hours, 20 minutes), they played Game 4 (5 hours and 2 minutes) which WAS the longest game in playoff history ... until Game 5 (5 hours and 49 minutes)!

Now the question is how much longer can Boston last. No team in a best-of-seven baseball postseason series has lost the first three games and come back to win, but if it's ever going to happen it seems like this is the series to expect the unexpected.

Game 6 is tonight at Yankee Stadium. Veteran Curt Schilling, whose questionable right ankle is feeling better, will start for the Red Sox while Jon Lieber will start for the Yankees. *Can the Sox save elimination again?" (from espn.com)

*blogger's note: God I sure hope not! Go Yankees!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"*Are the Cardinals done?

Even on a night when pitching ruled and Jeff Kent came up with the big hit, Carlos Beltran stole the spotlight. With a game-saving diving catch and a leadoff single and stolen base in the ninth, Beltran showed he's more than just home runs. As a result, the Astros are a game away from the World Series. **Will they get there?" (from espn.com)

*/**blogger's note: Again, I hope not, and God I hope not! Go Cardinals!!!

forgive me; it's been a while since i've REALLY written...

crystal rain drops streaming down
from the liquid blue skies of her face,
flushed cheeks the color of crimson rose petals

mood matching weather,
streets and highways blur.
she drives to escape
what inevitably seems to follow and surround

what once was home
becomes a concrete cell.
embracing the cold dark recesses
she imprisons herself from scourn.

the utmost prison:
two short walls, a desk, a computer;
phones ringing off the hook
like cats screeching in the night.

trying her best to be everything
(that they want),
she always feels she fails.
no longer standing on her own,
succumbing to the pressures:

prettier, thinner, taller, wealthier;
more of this more of that,
never seems to be enough.

simplicity is gone
replaced with struggles and stress;
growing up and growing into
what is considered 'real life'.

reaching, grasping for the future
that lies so within her reach--
the true inner adult ready to dry her tears,
to be at peace with the trials and tribulations
of 'almost there'.

crazier and crazier

This is going to be just to sum up since I've last written. (And to forewarn, it's written pretty crappy):

Oct. 7 : Started rehearsals for the latest show I'm working on. It's with KTK, and it's called "I Heard It On the Radio". I'm dancing and singing in it--Mary Jo and I even have a duet together! (Only a couple lines.) In the final encore / big number of the show, we do 27 songs in under 7.5 minutes. Will be interesting...

Oct. 8 : "Shoe game" at St. Mary's. (DB and St. Mary's are big rivals, and they had the annual "shoe game" at St. Mary's tonight.) DB was losing 20-0 at the half, so we left and went downtown. Ate at Hooters, went to City Improv--I got 'volunteered' to go up on stage and be a part of one of the improv acts...not that I minded or anything.

Oct. 9 : Opened our joint savings account this morning--finally! (Little scary, but good.) Thanks to his retirement money from Pro Fab, we have a nice little bit to get us started. Ran some errands, picked up little things we will need once we get a place; stored them in rubbermaid containers for now. 50th wedding anniversary party for Dusty's great aunt and uncle. Was at the Acorns in Wartburg, Illinois--very nice golf course / area. Huge dinner, had wayy too much to eat, then went back to his house until about 12:45. Sat around in the kitchen w/ his mom and dad BS-ing.

Oct. 10: Dusty and I registered for the wedding at Target and Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Took us 2 hours at Target, and 2 hours at BBB. Registered for lots of stuff we need and want, and goofed off while we registered. He just "HAD" to carry the scanner and scan the things--he said it was his way of 'getting in on it' so he would have something to do. He did help me pick stuff out that we will need; we did a good job, I think, and got a lot accomplished. Also signed the contract for the photographer, and typed up our guest list (complete w/ addresses that I have) on the computer.

Busy busy weekend, but lots done!

moving movies

"Schindler's List" is one of those movies that I strongly believe every person should see during the course of his / her lifetime. "The Passion of the Christ" is the second--and only other--movie I feel that strongly about. Dustin and I rented "The Passion" this weekend, but did not get to actually sit down and watch it until Sunday night.

I thought the film was fabulous. Honestly, I don't even know where to start when describing it or how I feel about it. This is THE MOST powerful and moving movie I have seen since "Schindler's List"--and movies like this don't come around all that often. Mel Gibson got a lot of flack that this movie was "anti-semitic" in nature; I didn't see it or think so. I think he did a fine job of portraying how things happened--go read your Bibles. And the critics that said it was "too gruesome" or "too violent and bloody"? Think about it. Jesus was arrested in the middle of the night while he was praying, dragged in front of the high priests and then Pilate; he was beaten, battered, whipped, chained, wore a cross made out of thorns, and forced to carry a cross for miles through Jerusalem. Then, finally, he was nailed--NAILED--to a cross and left there to die. Do you honestly think it would NOT have been gruesome? In those times, it's not like they merely pushed him, or threw pillows and sponges at him. In all reality, they beat the hell out of him--kicks, punches, whips, reeds, etc. Of course it would have been as violent and bloody as this film portrays it as.

James Caviezel is Jesus in the film. There are so many scenes throughout the movie when so much is said without speaking a word...just through his eyes. Glances, looks, and stares he shares with Mary, John, Peter, and others are so powerful it's like you are reading his soul. This man had to prepare physically, emotionally, and spiritually to undertake this role--not only did he have to be 'just another actor learning lines for a movie', he had to learn them in HEBREW and ARAMAIC. (The whole film is in sub-titles.) Amazing. I don't know if I could do all that.

To get all Catholic on y'all, Jesus was love. I am not as devout of a Catholic as I used to be, nor do I practice as much as I used to. But I do still have my faith, and I do still believe what I've been raised to believe. (For the most part, but that's a whole other entry...) This man that died for our sins did it without a second thought, without a moment's hesitation. If someone would walk up to you right now--right this very second--and ask, "Would you die for me?", you would have to think about it. "Well, I've got this to do....this person to see....this business to attend to....etc." Jesus did it without any of those hesitations and second thoughts. This man went through hell and back, giving his life for us so that we may live better lives and go to heaven when we die. Can you imagine that kind of sacrifice? Unconditional, true, pure sacrifice and love. True, we can love our families, spouses, children, friends, etc. unconditionally and with all our hearts, but we can never even begin to fathom what role Jesus took on, and the extent of his love for ALL OF US. (So I sound like an overzealous Catholic, I know, but this film really moved me--to tears throughout much of it.)