i am SOOO bored

Ok, so I tried having a positive attitude about this whole unemployment thing--"look at it as a mini vacation". Turns out that's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I at first thought, "Ok, cool, I get to sleep in pretty late, go to mom and dad's to send out resumes online, surf the web, then just chill out on the couch the rest of the day until the husband is home from work." Wrong.

I am sooo freaking bored I can't stand it. Sleeping in just doesn't happen: I'm either up when Dustin leaves for work at 5:30 a.m. and then can't get back to sleep, or he calls to see if I'm awake, or I just wake up on my own due to my damn internal clock. I think the latest I've slept since I lost my job was noon. Other than that, I've been up at 5:30, 6:30, 7:45, and 9:30 a.m. Damn.

Once I'm up, I'll head to mom and dad's to get online and check for job openings, polish my resume, catch up on blog reading and email, etc. When all those tasks have been accomplished, I get bored and antsy, so I leave and head home. I make to-do lists and try to get as much done in a day as I possibly can. I have cleaned the apartment from top to bottom, done countless loads of laundry, ran the dishwasher and done dishes by hand, taken cans to the recycling center, gone grocery shopping, and more. It's nice to have all the hours free to do all that, but dude, I can only clean the bathroom so many times before I'm tired of looking at it.

I did check into Long John Silver's as a possible option for income until I find a permanent job, but then I filed for unemployment. And found out I will get more from unemployment per week than I would working at the fish place for 40 hours. It may sound bad, but I think I'm going to stick with the unemployment for now. I do, however, an interview at St. Louis University tomorrow for a job as an administrative assistant. Wish me luck; I'm so nervous! I haven't been on an interview in 3 1/2 years. What do I wear? How do I wear my hair? Yikes!

(*As an aside, we had our first cast meeting for "Cats" last night, and it's really seeming more real and official now: I am IN "CATS"!!!! Holy crap! A lot was discussed last night, questions and suggestions were tossed around, and everyone seems to be in really good spirits and excited about the show. It's going to be tedious and strenuous, but I don't think I've EVER been THIS excited about doing a show before in my life. WOW. :)

2 things

First, I just wanted to say a BIG thank you to everyone who's been super helpful and supportive with the whole job loss thing. The offered resume help, job openings found, pushes and support, have really helped me look at this as a possible "blessing in disguise", so to speak.

Second, I just wanted to share some good news: I made it into "Cats"! I'm Victoria, the all white cat whose solo dance opens the "Jellicle Ball". Hopefully Joie will really challenge me and work my butt off, too!

And, that's about it. If I've seemed pretty unavailable lately, I apologize. I don't have easy access to a computer, unless I want to come to my parents' house every single day. I've also been pretty busy "networking", re-tooling my resume, and filling out job applications online. But I'll try to post as often as possible and keep y'all up to date on progress!

a first

No beating around the bush. I was let go from my job yesterday. The boss explained and reassured that it was nothing I had done wrong, nor was he "firing" me "to replace" me. However, I can't help but think I was part of the reason he let me go.

I've always considered myself a hard worker, and I've prided myself on the fact that I'm a quick learner, able to multi-task, yet also able to BS at the same time. But I can't help but feel like maybe this time I did too much BS-ing. I was a bit of a slacker, for lack of a better term. Not all the time, but I did enjoy reading the news' website, checking my email quite frequently, and surfing a few other sites--mostly blog reading. I figured that maybe if I did those things in moderation, yet still managed to get a lot of work done, it would be overlooked. Apparently, I was wrong.

I have been busier than hell the last several weeks. I've had a large stack of mail at the end of every day, and I never felt like I was falling too far behind on my work. Granted, there was stuff that I put off doing, but they did always end up getting done. I'd been better about slowing down, and double checking my work. I thought I was doing a better job, and accomplishing things, and I guess that's what hurts me the most about losing my job. There I was, thinking I was doing well, and I turn around and get let go. I don't understand it. But, like I told the 2 secretaries who were still there with me yesterday afternoon when it happened: "It's not my decision."

A friend of mine made the comment, "You never know. You may turn around in a month and say, 'That's the best damn thing that could have happened to me.'" And while that is true, it just may happen that way, it's hard for me to put it in that kind of perspective right now, while it's still fresh in my mind. It hasn't even really sunk in yet. I think it really will Monday morning when I wake up and realize, "I have nowhere to be today." I'm sure it'll be a weird day for me, probably complete with some tears, but it's hard for me to feel too sorry for myself. Especially since I do feel that part of it IS my fault, regardless of what the boss told me.
I also have too much pride, I suppose, to take it lightly. I tried thinking of my next plan of attack on the way out to the garage yesterday, but I couldn't really come up with one. It's still too new and odd to me to be able to really sit down and say, "This is what I'm doing next." I just kind of want to take the weekend to chill out, and maybe explore different options. This may be my chance to find my "dream job", but I know that it's not just going to reach out and slap me in the face.

Two options, as I see it right now, are as follows: 1) go to Long John Silver's Monday morning and ask if they'll hire me back ASAP, 2) get online and see if I am eligible to collect unemployment. Long John's may not be THE best option, but at least it would be a steady paycheck. And I'd be around people. Not just 8 other people for 8 hours, but many different people in and out all day with whom I could interact. Right now it's basically just about the steady pay. Because to be honest, I would feel like I'm not contributing if I were to take several days to sit back, relax, and reflect. That's just how I am.

I've never been let go from a job, and it's kinda weird to say I have been. Plus, (and this is going to sound really shitty of me) I've never been able to even imagine myself to collect unemployment. I guess I always saw collecting unemployment as a lazy way out, for people who were too lazy to get a job. And that all changed when Dustin had to collect it a few times. And now, it's really changing my former opinion. I'm ashamed that I ever had that opinion, to be honest. But, let this be a humbling, learning experience for me. Let's just hope I come out of it on top. And quick.

open minded

Considering my blog has a bit of a running "gay issues" theme lately, this will be the last one, I promise. (At least until a right wing group pisses me off again with their bigotry.)

First, I would just like to say I am very grateful that my mother is so open-minded, accepting, and loving; I'm even more grateful that she has passed those traits on to me. Not many people I know have a mother who would be willing (and maybe even a little excited) about going to a gay bar on a Saturday night with her daughter and son-in-law to celebrate a drag queen's 30th birthday.

Second, I would like to say how grateful I am for an open-minded husband. Six years ago, I never would have thought Dustin would become so open-minded and willing to try new things as he has become. But I'm very happy that he has.

Last night was Tajah Mahal (Greg's) 30th birthday celebration at the Grey Fox Pub on South Spring Avenue. Since Dustin had been before, I knew his feelings on the whole thing, but I kept watching my mom's face throughout the show to gauge her reactions. As I said, my mom is a very open-minded person who has been exposed to gay people, and has a few gay friends, but a drag show is definitely a different experience. I wasn't uncomfortable taking her; she is, after all, one of my best friends, and I share everything with her. However, I was a little nervous knowing that the show sometimes gets kind of raunchy and mouthy, so I wasn't sure how she would take that. As part of me figured, she handled it very well, smiled nearly the entire time, and giggled at the jokes, no matter how filthy they were.

Another thing I just have to say is this: these performers rule their world. At one point, Michelle McCausland (one of the performers) commented that she felt slim. The audience giggled, and she retorted, "Hey, I created this world, and if I want to be skinny, damnit, I will be skinny!" I started thinking as we sat watching the show, and I realized that I guess that is one of the appeals of the drag show for me. These 'women' have created their world in which they are allowed to say what they want to say, do what they want to do, and be who they want to be. They don't give a damn what "outsiders" may think of their personalities and show, and they're quick to point that out. It's an attitude of, "You may think this is a freak show, but I know I look good, and that's all that matters, damnit." To be honest, it's an attitude I envy.

They are all gracious, genuine, warm, and open people who have sometimes the most mundane, "normal" day jobs. (One is a mailman, for example.) But at night, this is who they are, and it's what they enjoy doing. As stupid as it may sound, there are some men who want them, and some women who want to be them. (I have to admit, they look damn good, and I wish I had half the poise and confidence that many of them exude.) They are beautiful people, inside and out, and I'm happy and proud to say that I have friends who embrace their lifestyles, don't give a damn what other may think, and graciously share their lives with their friends and family.